i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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