I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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