You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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