my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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