Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Randomize
