I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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