At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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