I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
