I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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