Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
