The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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