I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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