I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
