Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
