just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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