so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
