True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
