do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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