its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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