Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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