Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize