Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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