One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
