Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
