Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Drake has all the answers
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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