I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
