I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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