i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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