note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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