I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
