Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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