1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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