i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
