when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
