Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize