apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
