Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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