the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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