I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
