How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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