The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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