new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
