Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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