dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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