I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
