ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize