That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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