just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
if only i could text you this smell
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
