Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
