Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
