He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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