highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
