please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
