Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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