You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize