she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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