shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
