Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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