is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
