it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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