well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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