Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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