apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
