You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
