I should be sponsored by Trojan
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
